I didn't go to Harvard, but ...

Reading this letter, I have to wonder if I'm now brain damaged.

Wow. Once again, Exhibit A:

And Exhibit B:

I worked as a litigation consultant for over a decade. I’ve worked on sexual assault and harassment cases, and I’ve handled complex litigation involving multi-party document production.

I’ve seen my share of ridiculous discovery requests and legal overreach.

But this?

(bangs head on desk)

This is… beyond “unduly broad.”

Yes, this isn’t litigation. But there’s a reason document demands in litigation have limits—because asking for everything, everywhere, all at once isn’t just stupid. It’s unworkable, unethical, and in many cases, illegal.

So let’s talk about these six “requests” in the DHS letter to Harvard.

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1. “Give Us All the Crime Docs.”

The first demand says (in effect):

“Send us everything you’ve got—emails, texts, carrier pigeons—related to any crime an exchange student may have (or may not have) committed over the past five years. On or off campus. Thanks.”

Not convicted of.
Not even charged with.
Just “may have” done something wrong.

Seriously?

Even if Harvard wanted to comply—and spoiler: I get the distinct impression they don’t—how the hell would they? Do they have an internal “maybe this student committed a crime” database? Do foreign students routinely waltz into the Dean’s office and confess to felonies that no one reports?

Come on.

2. “Got Any Rapes or Sex Crimes Lying Around?”

The next one is equally jaw-dropping:

“Send us any info you have of rape, sexual assault, threats, harassment…”

You know—just casually violate rape shield protections, ignore victim privacy, and disregard whether any of that was ever formally reported to the university at all.

Oh, and don’t forget FERPA—the Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act—explicitly prohibiting universities from handing over identifiable student records without consent or legal compulsion.

Which this letter lacks.

So, even if Harvard wanted to comply here? It would be breaking federal law to do so, unless I’ve missed something. (Which grant you, maybe I have.)

3. The FERPA Problem.

Let’s underline that point. FERPA.

All of these requests are probably (if not certainly) seeking information on specific events entirely prohibited from disclosure by FERPA. The first two are ridiculous, crimes, rapes, etc., but the next four are equally laughable: civil rights violations, threats, assaults, etc. Those things would likely result in academic discipline or suspension from Harvard. All those documents would be covered under FERPA. DHS’s lawyers should already know that fact.

Harvard is prohibited from producing disciplinary records, emails, video footage, or even confirmation of enrollment tied to a specific incident absent a subpoena, warrant, or formal legal process. That’s the law.

The government must follow due process for nonpublic information. You can’t just bark orders, threaten decertification, and hope the school folds.

If Noem wanted the data, she could get a subpoena. Or go through national security channels if that’s the concern.

But this administration doesn’t do process. It does threats.

Maybe if Harvard gives Noem an airplane, all will be forgiven.
Maybe DHS Secretaries should have Secretary Libraries.
Maybe Harvard can establish the Habeas Corpus Chair at Harvard Law and make Kristi the inaugural recipient.

Maybe then she’ll learn what the term means.

But I digress.

4. Legal, Logistical, and Linguistic Gibberish.

These six requests sound like ChatGPT wrote them on LSD.

Seriously.

They’re vague, sweeping, and incoherent. If you handed this to a first-year associate at a firm, you’d send them back to rewrite it.

If a government attorney wrote this? God help us.

And the kicker?

They cite 18 U.S.C. §1001—threatening criminal penalties if Harvard responds with false or incomplete information.

So… this isn’t a request.
It’s a threat of criminal prosecution.
Wrapped in bureaucratic cosplay.

5. This Isn’t Just Incoherent. It’s Illegal. (So what’s new?)

Even if Harvard wanted to comply, it can't—not without exposing itself to liability.

Not because Pam Bondi is going to come knocking.
But because Harvard would be violating federal law—and its contractual obligations to protect student data.

Noem might as well have said, “Please provide us with every scrap of paper, every audio or video file, and every confidential record involving any foreign student who stepped within 150 miles of campus in the last five years.”

At least that would’ve been clearer—and just as illegal.

6. Syntax Crimes and Sentence Abuse.

Let’s not overlook the grammatical war crimes in this letter.

Back when I used to teach college students, I had a rule:

Unless you work for Time Magazine, if you’ve written more than 12 words without a period, you should rethink your life choices.

(Time was famously good at pulling that off. Noem is not.)

The letter's second paragraph reads like someone challenged ChatGPT to write in legalese while the prompter held their breath and ChatGPT won:

“As a result of your refusal to comply…”

I read that out loud to my wife and almost passed out while doing so. ChatGPT earned its paycheck on that one.

7. The Real Problem: Authoritarian Process as Punishment

This isn’t about foreign students.
It’s about power.

It’s about chilling dissent, punishing elite institutions, and sending a message:

“Do as we say, or we will destroy your operating ability.”

Noem’s letter is the administrative version of a mob shakedown.
No process. No law. Just threats, wrapped in the DHS letterhead.

Should we care? Yes, we should.

And look, maybe I’m overreacting.

Maybe this is just garden-variety bureaucratic idiocy and not a full-blown authoritarian threat to academic freedom.

But I don’t think so.

Because when you start weaponizing the process, threatening elite institutions, and rewriting the rules mid-game?

That’s not just overreach. That’s a purge.

Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?

Hell no.

And it’s not over now.

So yeah—I didn’t go to Harvard.

My guess is, you didn’t go either.

And yeah—most of us aren’t foreign exchange students.

And yeah—maybe it’s all jousting at windmills.

And yeah—eventually we’re going to lose the war.

VERTIAS
(THE TRUTH)

But Harvard is older than America. John Harvard founded the College to educate clergy and promote learning in the New World, rooted in Puritan religious ideals and modeled loosely on the English institutions of Oxford and Cambridge.

"Let every student be plainly instructed, and earnestly pressed to consider well, the main end of his life and studies is to know God and Jesus Christ which is eternal life..." — Harvard College Laws, 1646

That line is inscribed on the gates of Harvard Yard. It frames education as a moral and religious endeavor, not just an intellectual one. Harvard was never just about literacy—it was about shaping minds to serve a higher, divinely inspired social order. It is about uplifting the condition of man.

That is the purpose of education.

Since its founding, it has created some of the most noble scholars of mankind, our greatest Presidents, scientists, and leaders (and some of our greatest jackasses, like Peter Navarro, to be fair), and now it stands in the breach while America crumbles.

Thus, we should all agree on one thing…

Go Crimson.

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