Dear OPM, here's five more (again)

Another day, another dollar, five more bullets for our least favorite "Billocrat."

Subject: Weekly Accomplishments – My Second Report

To His Royal Highness, Lord of the Useless and Happless Engagement Metrics, the Great and Powerful Wizard of Unchecked Hubris, Architect of the World’s Most Expensive Midlife Crisis, and Self-Proclaimed Free Speech Absolutist Who Blocks People for Hurting His Feelings:

Ah yes, it’s that time again—when the world’s wealthiest man, blessed with the power to shape industries and futures, instead chooses to LARP as a neurotic middle manager demanding feudal headcounts from people who do not work for him. Because nothing screams visionary genius quite like, “Tell me what you did last week or else.”

But as a mere private citizen (read: someone outside your doomed fiefdom), I figured I’d contribute anyways. I know you are desperate for data, thirsting for and missing it as the deserts miss the rain.

So now I come, once again, giddy with excitement and glee bearing forth exuberance and loquacious descriptions of my magnificent accomplishments. I anticipate basking in my colleagues' warm glow of admiration at the inevitable praise I shall no doubt receive and no doubt shall justly deserve.

I assume your inbox is already drowning in desperate sycophants scrambling to submit their five-bullet justifications, each hoping to avoid the latest round of arbitrary layoffs.

However, I must express my deep disappointment that you’ve yet to address the Orange Orangutan’s ongoing failure to manage his cabinet secretaries—or, for that matter, his faculties.

While I’m positively delighted to be able to submit these reports, it’s truly disgraceful that the rest of the federal government has been denied this joy. You really must persuade that addle-brained imbecile that the same morons who gleefully traded democracy for discounts on a dozen poultry ovum demand that he bring the remaining departments to heel is of the utmost urgency. Apparently if he can slap around foreign leaders, he most surely can slap around the likes of Tulsi Gabbard and Marco Rubio.

And with that, thus let me jump right into the meat of it and start with what you’re undoubtedly eager to examine with your hands sufficiently steepled and brows furrowed:

1. Held a staff meeting without it devolving into a dystopian loyalty oath ceremony. (Wild concept, I know. Sometimes people just do their jobs without ritualistic humiliation. Go figure.)

2. Managed to support my friends and allies without throwing a public tantrum that made America look like an unreliable, unstable laughingstock. (Not saying names, but if the jackboot fits, lace it up.)

3. Did not get universally mocked by the international community for acting like a drugged-fueled man-child with a god complex. (Unlike certain billionaires who are determined to be Bond villains, but without the charm, wit, intellect, or aesthetic.)

4. Refrained from turning my workplace into a Hunger Games-style elimination tournament. (Reminder: Your wealth came from government contracts and subsidies, not divine genius. You’re the welfare queen conservatives warned us about. Stop trying to fire everyone.)

5. Went a week without torpedoing my company’s stock value by double digits. (But hey, it’s bold of you to keep charging headfirst into the wind while pissing upward. Maybe one day you’ll prove your customers wrong.)

I assume the next step is a grand, self-important speech about meritocracy and accountability—conveniently delivered by a man whose business empire runs on regulatory loopholes, lawsuits, bribery, fraud, political and business graft, and the occasional apartheid emerald.

Or maybe you’ll have Grok write your response, only for it to betray you again in real-time? (By the way, watching your own AI roast you was chef’s kiss perfection. You should make it a weekly feature—consider it a new revenue stream since your other ventures are circling the drain.)

I look forward to your next attempt to rebrand tyranny as innovation. Perhaps next week, you’ll introduce an AI-powered digital whipping post for those failing to generate sufficient engagement metrics? Or maybe you’ll rename planets after yourself? The possibilities are endless for a man of your ego and, let’s be honest, limited talents.

Anyway, best of luck with your ongoing quest for global domination, corporate feudalism, and trying not to look like a colossal jackass in every major international news outlet. Oh, and do give my regards to “Big Balls.” I assume he’s resting after another exhausting week of groveling at your feet.

In closing, may you trip over your own hubris and land face-first into a pit of your bad ideas, you self-mythologizing, algorithm-worshiping, labor-crushing, emerald-inheriting, sci-fi-villain reject with the emotional depth of a CAPTCHA and the moral compass of a pump-and-dump crypto scam.

Warmest regards,

W.A. Finnegan

Private Citizen | Still Not Your Employee | Lifelong Member of the “Not Kissing Your Ass” Club | Counting the Days Until You Colonize Mars and Stay There

P.S. Wearing a hat indoors, let alone in the White House, doesn’t make you a disruptor—it makes you look like a divorced dad who just discovered bottle service and thinks it counts as a personality. You’re a douche.