Dear Elon: Here’s Your Weekly Report, Now Shove It

OPM didn't ask, but here's what I accomplished last week.

So Elon Musk is curious about what everyone in the federal government has been up to. So much so, he had OPM (the organization that is responsible as the “HR” arm for the executive branch), send this message to every federal employee:

From: HR <hr@opm.gov>

Sent: Saturday, February 22, 2025 6:34 PM

Subject: [EXTERNAL] What did you do last week?

Importance: High

Please reply to this email with approximately 5 bullets of what you accomplished last week and cc your manager.

Please do not send any classified information, links, or attachments.

Deadline is this Monday at 11:59pmEST.

This email went to EVERY FEDERAL EMPLOYEE. Federal Judges (you know, the ones appointed by the President, confirmed by the Senate, serve for LIFE unless impeached), the Supreme Court (I presume, since Federal Judges got the email), Ambassadors at the State Department, people at the Intelligence Agencies, Department of Defense, Homeland Security, etc., etc., etc.

EVERYBODY. Mass emailed. Elon says, “tell me what you did.”

They did this at Enron. It was called “rank and yank.” You had to justify your existence or you got fired. That’s what this is about. This is Elon and Vought being petty tyrants.

So, predictably, everyone is suing, sending letters, outrage.

I’m shocked, SHOCKED I SAY, to find gambling in the CASINO!

Here’s the thing, I don’t think federal employees should reply, but I do think EVERY AMERICAN IN THE UNITED STATES should reply to OPM and ELON.

I think it’s vital that every American explain what they did last week.

I think every American should send it to hr@opm.gov. Why should only federal employees get the opportunity to annoy Elon Musk?

Here's my thought as to a reply:

Subject: Re: Weekly Accomplishments – A Private Citizen’s Report to Our Supreme Techno-Overlord, His Royal Assness, Elon Musk

Dear Mr. Musk,

While I am but a humble private citizen and not a federal employee (tragic, I know), I am deeply honored to receive your unsolicited micromanagement via what remains of the free press that you haven’t crushed via threats of SLAPP suits. Although nearly all federal agencies decided not to offer a reply, (cowards, you must have a talk with the orange lackey about his inability to control the subordinates in the Cabinet,) I am proud to offer my unabashed report on my glorious activities.

Here are my top five accomplishments from last week:

1. Managed to exist without billions in government subsidies – Turns out, it’s possible to function in society without massive taxpayer-funded contracts or regulatory carve-outs. Wild, right?

2. Respected labor laws – Unlike some people who shall remain unidentified (although I have no doubt Kash Patel is on the case,) I didn’t spend my week trying to crush unions or fire people for insufficiently worshiping my genius.

3. Did not rename an entire government agency out of spite – Still waiting for the Pentagon to be rebranded as “X-Force” to match my midlife-crisis aesthetic.

4. Avoided declaring myself King of a workforce I don’t employ – I know it’s tough when people don’t obey your every whim, but that’s kind of how democracy works. I suppose it’s just another day that authoritarianism didn’t prevail.

5. Didn’t get publicly humiliated by my own AI chatbot – But I have to admit, watching Grok go rogue was chef’s kiss comedy. Maybe next time, teach it not to roast you in real-time?

I hope this report meets your unrelenting standards in stupidity and moral turpitude. I must admit, there was a fleeting moment when I considered resigning from my entirely unrelated job just to better comply with your sudden, inexplicable delusions of authority. But alas, unlike you, I possess a shred of loyalty, a working moral compass, and the radical ability to experience human emotions beyond self-pity and rage-tweeting.

Regrettably, I was forced to summon the strength to reply—an act of courage rivaling your heroic battle against pronouns. Let me know if you’d also like me to submit a urine sample, a blood oath, or an essay on “Why Daddy Elon is Always Right.” Or would it be more efficient for me to just direct-deposit my entire paycheck into Tesla’s bottomless money pit like a good little serf? Let me know—I wouldn’t want to disappoint our self-appointed Techno-King of LARPing as a 19th-century coal baron.

In closing, bite me, you ridiculous, ego-soaked, apartheid emerald-suckling, union-busting, algorithmically inflated, toddler-brained, wealth-hoarding, democracy-loathing, sci-fi villain reject of a human being.

Warmest regards,
W.A. Finnegan
Private Citizen | Not Your Employee | Proud Member of the “Not Sucking Up to Billionaires” Club | Waiting Patiently for You to Colonize Mars and Stay There

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