So Monday, I got this email from Senator Amy Klobuchar. I just read it today (yes, I’m behind on emails). Here’s what she wrote:

Email from Senator Amy Klobuchar – April 7, 2025

Dear [my actual name],

Thank you for reaching out about the administration’s tariffs on goods. I strongly share your concerns about the negative impacts these tariffs have had on Minnesota businesses, farmers, and families and I appreciate hearing from you on this important issue.

There’s no doubt that our adversaries like China have used trade to manipulate markets in ways that hurt American workers, which is why I have supported the strategic use of targeted tariffs like those used by the previous Trump, Biden and Obama administrations to counter China’s steel dumping. But across-the-board tariffs — especially those placed on our neighbors and partners — will only raise prices, hurt businesses and put jobs on the line. Instead, we should be working with our allies to ensure a level playing field while protecting American jobs and industries.

The average American family is on track to see a $4,000 increase in the cost of living as a result of the administration’s tariffs. That is why I have called on the administration to reconsider its across-the-board tariff approach and work with our allies to strengthen agreements like the U.S.-Mexico-Canada Agreement (USMCA), rather than imposing measures that disrupt trade and hurt American families.

Exports and imports are important to the success of Minnesota’s consumers, farmers, businesses, and workers. Our state’s economy depends on strong trade relationships, particularly with Canada and Mexico—our largest trading partners. In 2023 alone, Minnesota’s total trade with Canada exceeded $21 billion, with key exports including energy products, transportation equipment, and agricultural goods. That is why I led a bipartisan effort with Senators Kaine and Warner to end these taxes on Canadian goods. Last week, our bipartisan bill passed the Senate with broad support from labor and business groups.

In addition, along with my colleagues Senators Cantwell and Grassley, I introduced bipartisan legislation to reassert Congress’s constitutional role in trade policy by ensuring new tariffs are subject to additional review and approval by Congress. Blanket tariffs can raise costs for consumers, increase input prices for farmers, and disrupt supply chains for manufacturers. Already, we have seen how trade wars in the past have hurt Minnesota’s agricultural sector, leading to uncertainty and financial hardship. For example, more than 80% of the potash fertilizer used in the U.S. is imported from Canada, and these tariffs will drive up costs for farmers already operating on thin margins. Additionally, the new tariffs could increase energy, manufacturing, and construction costs, further straining businesses and workers.

Please know that I will continue working to see that Minnesota’s economy remains strong and that our farmers, manufacturers, and small businesses are not unfairly burdened by harmful trade policies. Again, thank you for taking the time to contact me. I continue to be humbled to serve as your Senator, and one of the most important parts of my job is listening to the people of Minnesota. I hope you will reach out again about matters of concern to you.

Sincerely,
Amy Klobuchar
United States Senator

Seems like a decent email, right? CONSTITUENT RELATIONS, baby! You wrote in… and here’s your thoughtful, reasoned reply. Bask in the glory of being represented by a Democrat in a blue state—no lack of town halls for you.

There’s just one problem:

I didn’t write to her about tariffs.

What I wrote about—two months ago—was the destruction of the federal government by Elon Musk. Specifically, I raised concerns about:

• Musk’s backdoor access to Treasury systems via the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE),

• The reassignment and dismantling of USAID,

• The broader implications of allowing unelected billionaires to execute political purges under the guise of “reform.”

And back in February, Klobuchar did reply:

Email from Senator Amy Klobuchar – February 10, 2025

Dear [name redacted],

Thank you for contacting me about the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) and Elon Musk. I appreciate hearing your thoughts on this critical situation.

I am deeply concerned that an unelected billionaire is causing so much chaos and being given so much power, including gaining access to critical and sensitive payment systems at the Department of Treasury. Elon Musk and his associates should not have access to systems that track citizens’ social security payments, tax returns, and veteran benefits.

I am working with my colleagues in the Senate to fight these actions—including supporting court efforts to challenge his actions. As you know, as a result a federal judge recently intervened to restrict Musk’s access to the sensitive data in the Treasury payment system, and another judge paused the Trump administration’s plan to put USAID staff on leave.

I want you to know that I am committed to moving forward and protecting the rights of all Minnesotans. We need to keep doing good for the American people and I will stand my ground on your behalf. I will continue to fight against President Trump’s policies that risk hurting Minnesota families and will speak out against his violations of the law.

Again, thank you for taking the time to contact me. I continue to be humbled to be your Senator, and one of the most important parts of my job is listening to the people of Minnesota. I am here in our nation’s capital to do the public’s business. I hope you will contact me again about matters of concern to you.

Sincerely,
Amy Klobuchar
United States Senator

So… what happened here?

Well, it looks like Senator Klobuchar’s office just sent me a generic follow-up letter—either on autopilot or due to some CRM glitch—about a completely unrelated topic.

Which leads me to the real point:

This is why I don’t believe Democrats are going to get their shit together.

People ask me whether Amy Klobuchar should step aside and let someone else lead. My answer?

Yes. Absolutely.

Because let’s review:

• The situation I raised—DOGE, Treasury, USAID—is still happening.

• There’s been no public action. No hearings. No subpoenas. No press briefings.

• Klobuchar's reply offered no plan, just generic concern and a vague “we’re fighting” reassurance.

• Now, months later, I get a second email that reads like someone hit “reply all” with an off-topic policy memo.

“We’re monitoring the situation” is not a strategy. “We oppose blanket tariffs” is not an answer to authoritarian collapse. And “I’m humbled to serve” feels hollow when the institutions are hollowed out in real time.

I’m not some rando.
I’m a donor.
To candidates.
To the national party.
To House and Senate campaign committees.

I’m also a former policy advisor. When I worked for Bush, we wrote real replies. Staffers drafted them, and senior staff reviewed them. We tailored the message to the constituent, especially if they clearly knew the policy landscape.

This?

This is chicken shit dressed up as chicken salad.

If you can’t answer the letter, don’t send one. Or better yet, have someone read what I wrote, and write back like it mattered.

Because if you can’t do that, maybe you shouldn’t be doing this job.

Paid for by the Committee of I Don’t Give a Fuck and the Start Doing Your Job Caucus.

Subject: Weekly Accomplishments – My Second Report

To His Royal Highness, Lord of the Useless and Happless Engagement Metrics, the Great and Powerful Wizard of Unchecked Hubris, Architect of the World’s Most Expensive Midlife Crisis, and Self-Proclaimed Free Speech Absolutist Who Blocks People for Hurting His Feelings:

Ah yes, it’s that time again—when the world’s wealthiest man, blessed with the power to shape industries and futures, instead chooses to LARP as a neurotic middle manager demanding feudal headcounts from people who do not work for him. Because nothing screams visionary genius quite like, “Tell me what you did last week or else.”

But as a mere private citizen (read: someone outside your doomed fiefdom), I figured I’d contribute anyways. I know you are desperate for data, thirsting for and missing it as the deserts miss the rain.

So now I come, once again, giddy with excitement and glee bearing forth exuberance and loquacious descriptions of my magnificent accomplishments. I anticipate basking in my colleagues' warm glow of admiration at the inevitable praise I shall no doubt receive and no doubt shall justly deserve.

I assume your inbox is already drowning in desperate sycophants scrambling to submit their five-bullet justifications, each hoping to avoid the latest round of arbitrary layoffs.

However, I must express my deep disappointment that you’ve yet to address the Orange Orangutan’s ongoing failure to manage his cabinet secretaries—or, for that matter, his faculties.

While I’m positively delighted to be able to submit these reports, it’s truly disgraceful that the rest of the federal government has been denied this joy. You really must persuade that addle-brained imbecile that the same morons who gleefully traded democracy for discounts on a dozen poultry ovum demand that he bring the remaining departments to heel is of the utmost urgency. Apparently if he can slap around foreign leaders, he most surely can slap around the likes of Tulsi Gabbard and Marco Rubio.

And with that, thus let me jump right into the meat of it and start with what you’re undoubtedly eager to examine with your hands sufficiently steepled and brows furrowed:

1. Held a staff meeting without it devolving into a dystopian loyalty oath ceremony. (Wild concept, I know. Sometimes people just do their jobs without ritualistic humiliation. Go figure.)

2. Managed to support my friends and allies without throwing a public tantrum that made America look like an unreliable, unstable laughingstock. (Not saying names, but if the jackboot fits, lace it up.)

3. Did not get universally mocked by the international community for acting like a drugged-fueled man-child with a god complex. (Unlike certain billionaires who are determined to be Bond villains, but without the charm, wit, intellect, or aesthetic.)

4. Refrained from turning my workplace into a Hunger Games-style elimination tournament. (Reminder: Your wealth came from government contracts and subsidies, not divine genius. You’re the welfare queen conservatives warned us about. Stop trying to fire everyone.)

5. Went a week without torpedoing my company’s stock value by double digits. (But hey, it’s bold of you to keep charging headfirst into the wind while pissing upward. Maybe one day you’ll prove your customers wrong.)

I assume the next step is a grand, self-important speech about meritocracy and accountability—conveniently delivered by a man whose business empire runs on regulatory loopholes, lawsuits, bribery, fraud, political and business graft, and the occasional apartheid emerald.

Or maybe you’ll have Grok write your response, only for it to betray you again in real-time? (By the way, watching your own AI roast you was chef’s kiss perfection. You should make it a weekly feature—consider it a new revenue stream since your other ventures are circling the drain.)

I look forward to your next attempt to rebrand tyranny as innovation. Perhaps next week, you’ll introduce an AI-powered digital whipping post for those failing to generate sufficient engagement metrics? Or maybe you’ll rename planets after yourself? The possibilities are endless for a man of your ego and, let’s be honest, limited talents.

Anyway, best of luck with your ongoing quest for global domination, corporate feudalism, and trying not to look like a colossal jackass in every major international news outlet. Oh, and do give my regards to “Big Balls.” I assume he’s resting after another exhausting week of groveling at your feet.

In closing, may you trip over your own hubris and land face-first into a pit of your bad ideas, you self-mythologizing, algorithm-worshiping, labor-crushing, emerald-inheriting, sci-fi-villain reject with the emotional depth of a CAPTCHA and the moral compass of a pump-and-dump crypto scam.

Warmest regards,

W.A. Finnegan

Private Citizen | Still Not Your Employee | Lifelong Member of the “Not Kissing Your Ass” Club | Counting the Days Until You Colonize Mars and Stay There

P.S. Wearing a hat indoors, let alone in the White House, doesn’t make you a disruptor—it makes you look like a divorced dad who just discovered bottle service and thinks it counts as a personality. You’re a douche.

So Elon Musk is curious about what everyone in the federal government has been up to. So much so, he had OPM (the organization that is responsible as the “HR” arm for the executive branch), send this message to every federal employee:

From: HR <hr@opm.gov>

Sent: Saturday, February 22, 2025 6:34 PM

Subject: [EXTERNAL] What did you do last week?

Importance: High

Please reply to this email with approximately 5 bullets of what you accomplished last week and cc your manager.

Please do not send any classified information, links, or attachments.

Deadline is this Monday at 11:59pmEST.

This email went to EVERY FEDERAL EMPLOYEE. Federal Judges (you know, the ones appointed by the President, confirmed by the Senate, serve for LIFE unless impeached), the Supreme Court (I presume, since Federal Judges got the email), Ambassadors at the State Department, people at the Intelligence Agencies, Department of Defense, Homeland Security, etc., etc., etc.

EVERYBODY. Mass emailed. Elon says, “tell me what you did.”

They did this at Enron. It was called “rank and yank.” You had to justify your existence or you got fired. That’s what this is about. This is Elon and Vought being petty tyrants.

So, predictably, everyone is suing, sending letters, outrage.

I’m shocked, SHOCKED I SAY, to find gambling in the CASINO!

Here’s the thing, I don’t think federal employees should reply, but I do think EVERY AMERICAN IN THE UNITED STATES should reply to OPM and ELON.

I think it’s vital that every American explain what they did last week.

I think every American should send it to hr@opm.gov. Why should only federal employees get the opportunity to annoy Elon Musk?

Here's my thought as to a reply:

Subject: Re: Weekly Accomplishments – A Private Citizen’s Report to Our Supreme Techno-Overlord, His Royal Assness, Elon Musk

Dear Mr. Musk,

While I am but a humble private citizen and not a federal employee (tragic, I know), I am deeply honored to receive your unsolicited micromanagement via what remains of the free press that you haven’t crushed via threats of SLAPP suits. Although nearly all federal agencies decided not to offer a reply, (cowards, you must have a talk with the orange lackey about his inability to control the subordinates in the Cabinet,) I am proud to offer my unabashed report on my glorious activities.

Here are my top five accomplishments from last week:

1. Managed to exist without billions in government subsidies – Turns out, it’s possible to function in society without massive taxpayer-funded contracts or regulatory carve-outs. Wild, right?

2. Respected labor laws – Unlike some people who shall remain unidentified (although I have no doubt Kash Patel is on the case,) I didn’t spend my week trying to crush unions or fire people for insufficiently worshiping my genius.

3. Did not rename an entire government agency out of spite – Still waiting for the Pentagon to be rebranded as “X-Force” to match my midlife-crisis aesthetic.

4. Avoided declaring myself King of a workforce I don’t employ – I know it’s tough when people don’t obey your every whim, but that’s kind of how democracy works. I suppose it’s just another day that authoritarianism didn’t prevail.

5. Didn’t get publicly humiliated by my own AI chatbot – But I have to admit, watching Grok go rogue was chef’s kiss comedy. Maybe next time, teach it not to roast you in real-time?

I hope this report meets your unrelenting standards in stupidity and moral turpitude. I must admit, there was a fleeting moment when I considered resigning from my entirely unrelated job just to better comply with your sudden, inexplicable delusions of authority. But alas, unlike you, I possess a shred of loyalty, a working moral compass, and the radical ability to experience human emotions beyond self-pity and rage-tweeting.

Regrettably, I was forced to summon the strength to reply—an act of courage rivaling your heroic battle against pronouns. Let me know if you’d also like me to submit a urine sample, a blood oath, or an essay on “Why Daddy Elon is Always Right.” Or would it be more efficient for me to just direct-deposit my entire paycheck into Tesla’s bottomless money pit like a good little serf? Let me know—I wouldn’t want to disappoint our self-appointed Techno-King of LARPing as a 19th-century coal baron.

In closing, bite me, you ridiculous, ego-soaked, apartheid emerald-suckling, union-busting, algorithmically inflated, toddler-brained, wealth-hoarding, democracy-loathing, sci-fi villain reject of a human being.

Warmest regards,
W.A. Finnegan
Private Citizen | Not Your Employee | Proud Member of the “Not Sucking Up to Billionaires” Club | Waiting Patiently for You to Colonize Mars and Stay There